by Spencer Harmon
“It feels like there’s another woman in our marriage”
My wife said these words through tears. I didn’t think we would be in this place. I had been warned about this. I know about the unique temptations I face. But here we were: three years into our marriage and having this conversation. She senses my distraction. She wonders about my late nights getting home. She’s discouraged that even on “family days” I’ll get away to take a “quick call.” Now, in gentle love, she confronts me about my “mistress.”
But this mistress wasn’t a woman. The mistress was ministry.
I was 12-months into my first pastorate of a church revitalization work. The work was so exciting. Preaching every week. Dreaming about the future. Planning for healthy growth. Praying for God’s Spirit to move. Although I was bi-vocational, the ministry was full-time. There were always calls to make, sermons to write, Bible studies to teach, services to plan, events to coordinate, and ideas to chew on. My church didn’t expect the types of hours I was putting in. They actually regularly asked me to do less. But I loved the work, so it was easy to justify.
The church was small, with a low budget, and I was the senior pastor. They needed me to sacrifice in the first years in order for the church to grow and mature, right? If I didn’t do it, who would?
This thinking isn’t wrong. It’s true. In the first years of ministry, the church does need focused attention. The problem is when we as pastors think that the church is the only place that needs our focused attention. In the first years of ministry, your family needs just as much – if not more – attention as you figure out what it means to be a family in ministry.
You must decide and discern what your family can handle.
Three Unchanging Truths
But how? In my first years of ministry, I have wrestled with this question over and over again – and I still am. What I have found is that the Bible does not prescribe a certain method to determine whether or not I’m overdoing it in ministry. Instead, the Bible speaks unchanging truths about the nature of my family that needs to be applied in my ministry – and that you need to apply in yours.
There are three unchanging truths about my (and your) family in ministry that should shape how we determine what they can handle in these first years.
“My Family is Crucial, So I Cannot Ignore Them”
We hate to see the office of pastor shamed by men who are sexually impure. We groan, “not again,” when we hear the news of the latest pastoral casualty through the mismanagement of money. We roll our eyes when we hear the stories of the power-hungry preacher who is one person in the pulpit, and another in the office. These men, rightly, are disqualified from pastoral ministry. They simply cannot be in ministry.
Yet, the Bible teaches that we should think the same thing about pastors who do not manage their own families well. 1 Timothy 3:4-5:
He must manage his own household well, with all dignity keeping his children submissive, for if someone does not know how to manage his own household, how will he care for God's church?
My family is crucial to my ministry. Pastoral ministry is one of the few vocations where the way you love and care for your family has a direct impact on your qualification for the job. Your family is not something that you put on the back burner and figure out once things settle down at the church. No, your family is the proving ground of whether or not you’re the type of man God uses to revitalize a church.
This means you can’t ignore your family in the first five years. Dates with your wife, praying with your kids, disciplining them, taking an off-day, and the countless other ways we “manage” our own households – all of this doesn’t “feel” like pastoral ministry, but it has a direct impact on your qualification to do it. If my family doesn’t desire to follow me, why should I expect the church to?
This must be the cornerstone truth of deciding what your family can handle. It’s not optional. God cares so much about the pastor’s family that he includes it in the very qualifications a man must meet before he goes into the ministry.
“My Family is Unique, So I Shouldn’t Compare Them”
The Bible assumes that your family is unique.
Paul does not tell you the “7 key principles” that you should download into your kids' heads in order to produce a godly child. What does he say instead?
“Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.” – Ephesians 6:4.
He calls on individual fathers to bring up their children in discipline and instruction. That discipline and instruction will be unique depending on the age of your children, the amount of your children, and the distinctive personalities, strengths, and struggles of your children.
The same truth applies to our marriage. When Peter speaks to husbands about how to interact with their wives, he emphasizes the uniqueness of women and assumes that every husband needs to understand his own wife:
Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered – 1 Peter 3:7.
This means that every pastor’s family is unique. They are meant to be understood biblically and individually and led based on intimate and cherished understanding. Right now, in the first five years of ministry, you need to notice the struggles, the weaknesses, the limitations, and the needs of your particular family as you figure out what they can handle.
And this will be a constant assessment you will make throughout your pastoral ministry. God has filled life and ministry with seasons (Ecc. 3:1-8). There are times when our families will make sacrifices, and we will be away from the home more than normal. There will be times when the church sacrifices, seeing you less because of pressing needs in your family. Our call is to respond to each season by faith in God (Rom. 12:1-2, 14:23).
Fortify your soul against comparison. You will be tempted to compare your family with toddlers and bedtimes to the pastor across town who has kids in high school, wondering if you are doing “enough”. Or you might be tempted to look down on another pastor, taking pride in the fact that you have more people in your home than another elder in your church. Fight this. Every family is unique. Tend to your own field that God has given you, and let your standard be his word.
My Family is Bigger Than My Family, So I Shouldn’t Idolize Them
Just because our families are crucial and unique, doesn’t mean they are everything. Our families are essential, but they are not ultimate. Even more, our family is important but, biblically, they are not our final family.
The local church is God’s “household” (Eph. 2:19-21) It’s a family where you call each other “brother” or “sister”. In heaven, there will be no marriage (Matt. 22:30), but there will be the church gathered from every tribe, tongue, and nation (Rev. 7:9). Even Jesus, who made plans to care for his mother even in his dying moments (John 19:26-27), said his family is made up of those who obey God before it is made up of those who share the same blood (Matt. 12:49-50).
Pastoral ministry will disrupt your life regularly. There will be gritty seasons where your family will make significant sacrifices for the family of God. It will interrupt your date night, make you miss a soccer practice, and transgress the boundaries of your private life.
This means we cannot use our families as an excuse to not make sacrifices in ministry. There certainly are times when we must say no to ministry to care for our families, but there are also times when we must ask our family to sacrifice for the sake of ministry.
Don’t drive a deep wedge between your family time and church time. Bring your kids along for hospital visits when it is appropriate. Include your wife in marriage counseling. Make church events family events (and really be with your family!). Teach your children that “family time” doesn’t just involve your nuclear family. “Family time” happens every Sunday.
These three truths are the non-negotiables of family that we must hold in our hearts as we discern what they can handle in ministry. But how do we do it? What steps can we take to discern how much our family can handle these days?
Discerning the Balance
The three truths above are the non-negotiables of family that we must hold in our hearts as we discern what they can handle in ministry. But how do we do it? What steps can we take to discern how much our family can handle in the current season we find ourselves in? Let me encourage you to take four steps toward discerning what your family can handle in the first five years.
1. Define Biblical Faithfulness
God has clearly revealed what he expects of us in ministry and in family. The office of a pastor is a “noble calling” (1 Tim. 3:1) in which we are called to preach (2 Tim. 4:2), pray (Acts 6:4), shepherd (1 Peter 5:2), and disciple (Matt. 28:19-20; 2 Tim. 2:2). As husbands we are called to nourish, cherish, and sacrificially lead our wives (Eph. 5:25-33). As fathers we are called to train and instruct in the rhythms of everyday life (Eph. 6:4, cf. Deut. 6:6-9).
We must be anchored in what God defines as faithfulness, or we will be easily tossed around by the expectations of people or worldly ideas about ministry and family. Regularly, I feel tension in my own soul because I have let unbiblical expectations of ideas seep into my thinking about these crucial areas of my life.
Spend some time in the weeks ahead with your spouse and ask whether or not you are being faithful according to Scripture in the areas of ministry and family. Place your family under the easy yoke and light burdens of Christ and his Word (Matt. 11:28-30).
2. Embrace Biblical Weakness
Biblical weaknesses are God-given limitations that force us to trust God to fill in the gaps that appear in our family and ministry. Every pastor has them. The question is whether or not we are aware of our unique weaknesses and embrace them.
For me this means that I must stop working when I come home for the day. I need to put my phone away and not answer that text. I need to unburden myself by praying about the things I did not get to during the day. I need to ask God to tend to the flock that he cares for far more than I do.
For others this might mean trusting that your kids will be OK camping out in front of the TV for a few hours while you and your wife help the emergency marriage situation that just showed up to your house. You’re limited. So, you trust the infinite God to tend to your finite weaknesses. God promises that when we embrace our weakness we will experience his power in weakness (2 Cor. 12:9).
In the first years of ministry, learn to embrace your limitations to meet every need in the church. On your drive from the church to your home, spend the last five minutes praying through the burdens you feel. Ask God to be with the members you didn’t get to; ask God to bless your sermon even though you didn’t get the time you wanted this week; ask God to care for that sick member that you couldn’t get to today. Rest in his infinite power, and then go into your house, kiss your wife, and play in the yard with your kids.
3. Cultivate Biblical Rhythms
My family thrives when they know that there will be a true “off-day” coming – even if we have been running a marathon for 7 days. As best as you can, have an off-day every week that your family can count on. Set personal boundaries. Take the email app off your phone. Turn your phone on silent. Engage with your kids. Be totally present. Especially when your kids are young, plan 1-2 nights a week when your family “stays in” so you can have regular meals and routines as a family.
4. Make Biblical Choices
We work among eternal things: we counsel souls, we speak the oracles of God, we stand with people as they die, we watch people cross from death to life. The work of a pastor is extraordinary and eternal work.
But we must remember that what happens in our home is eternal, too. You display the glorious gospel when you love your wife and devote your full attention to her physically and emotionally. You engage in the most serious discipleship task of your life as you shepherd your children toward Christ and train them in the way they should go. You live with eternal souls.
The difference between the eternal ministries of church and family is this: you can always find another ministry, but you can’t find another family.
This means we must always be ready to make biblical choices about pastoring and our family. Here’s what I mean: if it becomes clear to you and your wife that your family cannot handle pastoral ministry, then you should get out of pastoral ministry. This honors God, and is not a failure. In a similar vein, if it becomes clear after the first five years of ministry, that you and your family need a break, take it. Play the long game. Make it your ambition to get to the end of ministry with a wife who loves you, kids who have good stories to tell about ministry, and a soul that is still nourished by the Word of God.
Used by God, Unknown at Home
I once had the opportunity to meet with the child of a well-known pastor. I asked them to tell me stories about their Dad’s ministry: how God used him, what their church was like, and the legacy of faith in their family. It was encouraging to hear stories of God’s faithfulness through one pastor.
Towards the end of my time with them I asked about growing up in the same home as this well-known pastor. The disposition of my friend changed, and their face grew somber as they said, “God used my Dad. It was truly amazing to watch – really, it was. But he was a different man at home.”
My friend went on to tell me that there was nothing immoral happening: no adultery, no fraud, no scandal. Instead, they shared with me stories of a father who was owned by the church and had a heavy hand at home. “The church was everything”, my friend said. This pastor had misjudged what his family could handle.
Later on a man approached my friend. He recognized her as the child of this well-known pastor. He shared stories of how much her Dad meant to him. He spoke admiringly about how her Dad made him feel so special, like he was the only one in the room. It struck me that this man, a relative stranger to this preacher, had a more impactful relationship with this preacher than his own child. I shuddered.
The scary part of ministry is that you can be truly used by God and fail with your family.
My prayer is that this would not be your story. My prayer is that in these first five years of ministry you would establish patterns and habits that have maximum impact for the gospel – both in the church and at home.
Spencer Harmon is the Nocatee Campus Pastor of First Baptist Church in Jacksonville, FL. He is currently completing his M.Div at Southern where he was an intern with the Mathena Center for Church Revitalization (2017-2018 class). Spencer is married to Taylor and they have three children. He is also the co-author of Letters to a Romantic: On Dating and Letters to a Romantic: On Engagement.